


The Way I Loved You

by mottspersonality



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Letters, M/M, Phan - Freeform, break up and then not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:45:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4808495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mottspersonality/pseuds/mottspersonality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's letter to Dan</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Dan,

The way you smile is beautiful. The way the edges of your eyes crinkle when you laugh is beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful. Our world shifted from bright colors to a dark stormy mess. We were both insecure about our love in the past. Most of our viewers just liked our looks, we were their dream boys. You were mine. After the video you guarded yourself. It hurt to see you that way, the way you caved in. I tried to help but your shouts hurt me like a stab in the heart. After the yells and my retorts, you just forgot. You forgot about everything. That's what ripped my heart out the fact that you acted like you didn't. I don't blame you, Dan.  
From the beginning it was too good to be true. I should have known that no one would love me. My face is strange and my soul is even stranger. I know every human has flaws but mine made me the only human being that can not be loved. Dan, even though you hurt me so much you gave a handful of precious memories. All the skype calls and long breakfasts. The time I realized I loved you. It is sad to say the word loved. I finally healed, all my wounds have become scars. Scars are not pretty they are just something to hide. Even after all this time I still have hope that your wounds will heal and that you still like me. I don't mean it in a platonic way. I still like you Dan. I am a coward saying this in a letter that probably won't make sense to you. I want to start over and learn how to love you again. Maybe like the way I used to love you.  
-Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was bad lol i might make a part two


	2. I Just Want To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 2  
> Dan and Phil's life after the letter

It has been a day since I slipped my letter under Dan's door. The streets are dull, the sky is gloomy and every step I take is agonizing as I walk back home. As soon as I heard him open the letter from outside the door my heart went up to my throat and I ran. I ended up at a hotel somewhere in the city looking like a complete mess. I can't believe they didn't think I was a lunatic. Though I can't stay at a hotel forever because number one they are expensive and number two I want to know if I ruined my relationship with a person that means so much to me. My heart aches more and more as I climb the stairs getting. This is it, this is the moment where I'm going to be vulnerable. This time I'm not sure if our wounds will heal or if he'll even say anything. I'd rather another tear in my heart than Dan act like my feeling aren't real. He makes me laugh, cry, and smile until my cheeks are numb. When he shut me out I felt like our love was just a figment of my imagination. That's what killed me the silence.  
"BAM" I hit the door. I guess I killed the silence this time. Ha-ha, I made a joke while I'm going to my possible doom. The door is right there and I'm going in even if I'm shaking as I grab the handle. Home looks alright nothing seems out of place. I can make out a voice somewhere in the apartment. Dan seems to be talking on the phone in the office. "All I'm saying Carrie is that Phil is a person who runs away, he'll come back. He always does. When he does everything will go back to normal! I don't care, Carrie!" Dan furiously said. "I just want you to acknowledge me Dan. I'm not asking you to return my feelings. I just want to know did you ever really care for me, just me." I say from outside the door. I want to claw my pain from my chest.  


He turns around after my words slipped out and ended the call. Dan looked normal like I hadn't even left. I hate myself. I hate him for not hurting like I was. "Phil, I care-" Dan started. "You, you never did! I beat myself up for your approval and you just beat my heart up over and over again!" I said with tears slipping down my face. I couldn't stand all of the sudden like me energy was all suck out I slumped against the door. "Phil, you need to understand that I do like you! Hell, I do care but I can't have a mistake like the video happen again." Dan yelled. Those words stung, was he ashamed of me? "I'm not ashamed of you, Phil. Believe me! I'm just weak around you. I'm was scared back the- no I am still scared that something will happen and you won't want me anymore. If we break up we'll have countless videos together and there will be reminders of our happiness. I just want thing to be normal! I don't want to get hurt.." Dan said teary-eyed. "I will never do anything to hurt you Dan. I will always want you. I want to love again but Dan I just want to know....do you want to love me again?" My throat is cracking and my sobs are hideous but I manage to say those words at least. Dan starts getting closer "I just..." He moves even closer "I just want to..." Our lips are almost touching it feels like stars they seem close but are really far away. "I think I always knew how to love you." Then he kissed me. It was like I wasn't drowning anymore. I thought that I would never feel something more intense then the pain in my heart but it changed from pain to relief. My heart wasn't pounding because of my fear of what was going to happen it was pounding because I learned how to love him the way I used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too bad. Hope you liked it! :)


End file.
